I’ve made enough mistakes in my life to know I’m going to make more. Some have been poor decisions. Others were decisions I thought were right at the time, only to find out later that I was wrong. Either way, once I recognize the mistake, I have a choice. I can spend my time explaining why I made it, or I can figure out what I need to do about it.

That doesn’t mean the circumstances don’t count. Sometimes a decision makes perfect sense with the information available at the time, even if the outcome isn’t what I expected. I think there’s a difference between a bad decision and a bad outcome, and I don’t believe every mistake deserves the same criticism. But I also can’t use what I knew at the time as an excuse to ignore what I know now.

If I expect someone else to be coachable after a mistake, I need to be willing to hold myself to that same standard. Sometimes that means correcting a stance, having an uncomfortable conversation, apologizing to someone, or admitting that my judgment wasn’t as good as I thought it was. None of those things is particularly enjoyable, but avoiding them doesn’t make the original mistake go away.

Of course, there are mistakes I can’t fix. I can’t go back and change a decision I’ve already made or undo the consequences someone else had to deal with. I can acknowledge what happened, take responsibility for my part, and make sure I’m better prepared when I face something similar again. And if I keep making the same mistake, sooner or later I have to admit I’m dealing with a pattern that I haven’t done enough to change.

Trust can be harder to repair, and I’ve never understood people who screw up, apologize, and then get angry because the other person doesn’t immediately wipe the slate clean. “But I said I’m sorry!” Well, good for you.

That doesn’t mean the other person has to forgive you, forget what happened, or pretend everything is fine. I think most apologies are empty, insincere and fake half the time anyway. I’ve heard plenty of apologies that sounded more like someone trying to get out of trouble than someone genuinely taking responsibility.

Somewhere along the way, we’ve gotten the idea that accepting an apology is an obligation, and refusing one is rude. It’s almost like we’ve turned apologies into participation trophies. Everybody gets credit for saying the right words, whether they mean them or not.

An apology isn’t an immunity pill. You can acknowledge what you did, take responsibility, and do everything you can to make it right, but you don’t get to dictate how someone else responds. The person you hurt gets to decide whether they’re willing to forgive you, and even then, forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean they’re going to trust you again.

What I don’t believe is that one bad decision should define the rest of someone’s life, including my own. I’ve made decisions I wouldn’t make today, and I expect I’ll look back on some of today’s decisions differently years from now. That’s part of gaining experience. I don’t need to defend every decision I’ve ever made to believe I’m capable of making better ones.

I can live with having made a mistake. What I’d have a harder time accepting is knowing I made one, understanding why, and then doing the same thing all over again.